I’m starting to feel very guilty about starting all of these posts off with “Oh, wow, it’s been so long since I’ve last posted,” but oh, well. It’s good to be busy. Honestly, this is the first time in over a week that I’ve been able to just sit down and do nothing–I haven’t watched Netflix or anything! This past week has been midterms, this past weekend I did a three day trip to three different places in Austria, and the week before was the week before midterms, so also a crazy-big workload. I love all of my classes, though, and I actually love the work that I’m creating (which is super unusual for me), and I am officially in love with Austria. Seriously. How can one country be SO beautiful?!
So, ya, my life is pretty freaking great, I’m not gonna lie.
Mom, Dad, LC, plug your ears for this. One of my friends went to Amsterdam the past weekend. Amsterdam, as I’m sure most of you are very aware, is a drug haven. So, in the you-only-live-once mentality, my friend did shrooms. Mom, Dad, LC, don’t worry. I am absolutely terrified of drugs. But my friend did have a lot of interesting things to say about the mindset that shrooms put her in. She said that she had never felt more in touch with herself–it was almost as if all of the stuff that she worked to bury deep under the surface came bubbling up right to the top. She said that it was like seeing herself from an outsiders perspective.
I often think about what I look like from one of my friends’ point of view, or a stranger’s point of view, or my mother’s point of view. Do they get frustrated with my quirks or do they find them adorable? Are new friends able to see how much I worry about what I say around them? Do they see me as confident and forward, or do they see me as more of a weak link? Does my voice sound annoying? Do these jeans make me look chunky? People never talk about how much they worry about who they are. I’m not ashamed to have a chameleon personality. I definitely act differently (not drastically, but definitely differently) when I’m around my mom and grandma than when I’m around my 21 year old friends. Or even when I’m around my 21 year old friends that think it’s fine to take a quick cigarette break when they’re stressed and do shrooms in Amsterdam than my friends who have never and will never pick up a single drug besides alcohol in their entire lives. Both types of people are people that I’m completely comfortable hanging out with, but at different times and when I’m feeling different ways.
Is the ability to chameleon a talent or a hindrance? Does being a chameleon make me fake? Am I not true to myself because I like to hang out with so many different people and change the way I behave when I’m among different groups? Most of the time, I don’t think so, but sometimes I second guess who I am. Why can’t I tell everyone I know things that I only tell my closest friends? I did those things! They’re part of who I am! Shouldn’t I only be hanging out with people who love and accept and respect every single thing about me? But I know people who never change themselves based on their audience and, honestly, I think that it brings them more conflict than good. You can’t talk to a professor the same way you talk to your mother. You can’t talk to your 12 year old cousin the same way you talk to your 20 year old girl friend. You have to filter yourself, or chameleon yourself. It isn’t that you’re being fake, or unreal to who you are when no one’s looking, but instead that you’re being mature and aware of your audience/surroundings.
In some cases, it’s actually a good thing to hide (some parts of ) who you are when you’re the completely non-filtered, everything bared, version of you.